Sunday, September 10, 2006: empty.
okay so this is my last post for the week. its sunday, which means tmr is back to school day and means the start of the final week of school before we go on study leave the next, and then...
EXAMS.
oh the horror.
i felt even more contradictory today.
arrived at church and all i felt was empty.
what happened to the rush of emotions that i felt on friday?
the passion and longing for something that is far greater than i can ever imagine?
all that blown away, and all i had left was an empty shell.
but then the Lord spoke, through today's message, and i thought some more.
***
Topic: One Consuming Passion
Passage: Rev 2:1-7
"remember the height from which you have fallen! repent and do the things you did at first" Rev 2:5i feel myself searching in the deep recesses of my heart for an emotion, something, somewhere, for that passion that i once felt, that i once truly felt.
but all i got was nothing. a blank. all my questions left unanswered.
how Lord, how can i do the things i did at first, when i dont even know how i felt at first?
God versus myself
being holy and righteous versus being worldly
rejoicing in the Lord versus gloating with the world
these are dangerous times.
there are somedays when i feel convicted by the Lord and the Holy Spirit.
yet there are those days when i feel drawn to the world and its desires. for once to forget that i am christian, forget the rules of the bible, and live life as the world does. shallow, deceitful, proud.
and then after that, i feel guilty, and then i repent.
but then the whole dreadful cycle repeats itself, and i find myself hating the other side of me more, and more.
now i really understand the meaning of being heavy laden and emptiness.
"to him who overcomes, i will give the right to eat from the tree of life." Rev 2:7i long for when that day comes for me.
i am tired. i am weary.
how i wish to be like those strong women of faith, women of kindness, women of love.
sometimes i just think that i'm not worthy of God's love. i'm not worthy to live the life that i have now. so much given, so little returned. yet God still freely gives. how magnanimous God is! and i start to feel ashamed of myself, for the foolish ways i think.
***
"never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" heb 13:5and so i end with an encouragement for myself.
discipleship lesson's on wed. maybe by then i can recollect myself, and start all over again, ready for what God has to say to me next.
and in the meantime, i continue studying.
exams are nearly here.
a shout of praise.
1:30 PM
